Hope for Haiti.

So, I am sitting here watching the Hope for Haiti telethon put on by George Clooney (who, by-the-way, has the best connections ever. He is definitely on my dream friend list.), and I am just in awe of people, specifically the Haitian people. They have such hope and faith in something greater than themselves. It is so inspiring. Such horrible things have happened there and they are full of hope. Stories of people stuck in rubble, crying, texting people that they are alive under the crushed buildings. Horrible things happening.
This one man waited for days outside of a building because he was convinced his wife was alive and buried in the rubble. He waited and waited and waited…and finally they heard her. She said “Tell him whether I live or I die, I love him!” and then she was rescued. Amazing. I was so touched by this story! I have cried on and off during this whole thing…No shocker there – the older I get, the more emotional I get about things that are especially important to me.
Also, there was a man being pulled out of the rubble and as he was coming out, he said “Jesus, my life is in your hands.” Such a simple and profound truth. This man also left me in a crying mess curled up in my blanket in my house. And he is just thankful to be alive. It just put into perspective how I take my life for granted every day. And how I can just rest in and be joyful in the fact that my life is in His hands. Beautiful.
My heart is just so heavy and burdened for Haiti. I especially want to just go there and scoop up all those children & just love on them. And tell them that everything will be okay because Jesus loves them and so do I. I’ve been trying to find trips going on my college spring break. It’s hard unless you’re a doctor. Which I’m not. I’m just a girl wanting to share Jesus’ abundant love. I just want to encourage everyone to do what you can to get involved: pray, give money, volunteer…whatever. It is important as the Christian community to be involved in what is going on in the world. We were charged to share the love of Jesus locally, nationally, and internationally.
Also, I would just like to mention how impressed I have been with the community in Hollywood.
That’s all.
Keep praying. And keep up with the news.
The Lord is sovereign.
He has a plan.
He is a present help in time of trouble.
He is a safe refuge.
He is faithful.
He is love.

I’ve just been thinking a lot lately about how I can often place my own personal expectations on God, and that’s not the way it should be.  I hate hate hate that sometimes I get upset with Him when things don’t go my way or according to my plan. That’s like when a 3-year old pitches a fit. How ridiculous is it that I get upset when that happens? I just love the fact that He has lately been teaching me about releasing my own plans and not even allowing myself to go there in my thoughts…it leads to nothing but my disappointment. I hate that I am willing to get upset with Him over the fact that He wants better for me even if it means it’ll take longer. He is omniscient. He is sovereign. It amazes me that I can be foolish enough to know these things are true about Him yet still get upset with Him.

If the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom, why do Christians become so comfortable and complacent in their relationship with Him instead of living with reverence and in awe of Him? I hate that I can sometimes get to the place where I’m like “I’m not where I want to be with the Lord,” yet I still don’t make Him a priority or I blame it on Him being silent, when the truth is He is jealous for me and wants me to fellowship with Him constantly.
He wants me to want Him above anything else. He is a jealous God.

He wants me to stand in awe of Him and surrender to all He is and has for me.
I don’t ever want to get so comfortable in my relationship with Him that I take Him and all He is for granted.
I want to live fully in the grace He has poured on me.
And I want to fully surrender to all His plans, whatever they are.
I want to follow Him whole-heartedly.
I want to live in fear of the Lord.

 O LORD, You are my God;
 I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name;
 For You have worked wonders,
 Plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.

Isaiah 25:1 NASB

yes, You have.

my sweet Lord & Saviour: there is none like You. You are unmatched in every way imaginable. You are so holy and glorious; Your marvelous works are awe-inspiring and breath-taking. there are no words to match Your majesty. You are beyond comprehension. and with all that i am, i adore and praise You with my every breath. be my strength and courage to do what is right and honor You above all else; i do not want to do anything in life tha does not bring You glory. i pray that everything i do brings honor too You. Lord, make me a righteous woman after Your hear. i long to be more like You and less like me every passing day. You are my treasure and my everything. nothing can ever separate me from Your great love for me. God, i cannot even begin to describe how abundantly wonderful You are to me. oh, Jesus, teach me how to view others the way You see them and love them like You do. God, i need Your strength to do these things – my own strength simply will not suffice. Your grace for me is undeserved. may i be just as quick to reflect Your grace on others and not judge. Lord, i am called to love, not to judge. may i overcome my innate habit of judging that i may bring more glory to Your great name. Jesus, i need You. i need You always, but especially now. i need to feel You. i need to hear from You. i need You. i just need You. that’s all i need. Lord, why do i so often think You are simply not enough? YOU ARE! You are more than enough. Lord, i do not always understand, but give me the strength to trust You, my sovereign God & Saviour. love, your beloved.

the ultimate gift.

This Christmas has been more real than any other I’ve ever had. The older I get, the more emotional I become about things. My thoughts have been about Christ as a baby, and how He chose to come. He chose to come. In the form of a helpless, dependent baby. In a stable. To a teenage couple. Into a world that He knew would reject, judge, and mock Him. And crucify Him. He chose to leave Heaven, paradise, to come to earth. All for me. That absolutely overwhelms me. He chose to come knowing He would die for me and for you. That is undeniably, incomparably the best, most ultimate gift ever. I am in need of nothing when I think about that.

Merry Christmas!

“For today in the city of David there has been born for you, a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord!” Luke 2:11

life.

MMy life has been nothing short of crazy in this last month. here’s what’s been going on:

1. i had “that week” of school. you know. the one with all the tests, papers, and projects due simultaneously. that was crazy. but i made it out alive!

2. been celebrating birthdays like mad. we have like 8 family birthdays in october. it was fun though!

3. my dog Levi died on oct. 16th. it was really, really hard. i sobbed like a baby for hours. and cried for many days after. yes, i’m one of those people who talks to their dog and treats them like a person. he was really like my brother. we got him when i was like 7 or 8, and i don’t remember my life before him that much. so he’s been there for as long as i can remember. so that was really, really, really sad to me & my family. we’ve all been grieving.

4. i got a tattoo on the 17th. it’s awesome! go to facebook & see pictures! it says grace in greek. it’s awesome. saw revive/leeland that night too.

5. i voted on thursday. took me 15 minutes. it was exciting! i’m so stressing and freaking out over the election though. seriously. my hope is in Christ alone, no matter what happens, but i’m still scared…

answers.

Ok, so I was reading my prayer journal the other day and i found this entry from July 27th: “Jesus, my heart is so heavy right now and I don’t know why. I need You so badly right now. I need You to join me, meet with me, let me know You are here to stay. God, I feel so helpless lately. May You calm my restless heart and give me Your peace. You are my everlasting King and Father. May I always live for You alone. Jesus, I am crying out to You because I have no idea what is going on in my life and heart. God, give me an attitude of graciousness. May I never take Your grace and mercy for granted because it is radical, awesome, undeserved, unwaivering, unprecedented, unfailing, unending, glorious, amazing grace. May that thought never leave my mind and may it be etched on my heart and soul FOREVER. Lord, be my purpose and give me direction and a right spirit. I trust You whole-heartedly and I know that You will follow through in mighty ways. Lord, be my greatest desire, above anything else in this world. Give me desires from You and give me the confidence to trust You with them. Give me a heart of obedience. Give me patience to wait on You. I love You more than anything.”

and then what I wrote last night: “Lord Jesus Christ – my beautiful Saviour: how I love and adore You. My life looks different than I ever imagined, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My dependence on You has grown exponentially. My relationship with You has grown beautifully. I am learning to be broken and beautified by Your unending love and grace for me. I am learning that Your way and Your plan is so much greater for me than my own. And no matter what my situation, YOU are my joy and in Your presence I am completely satisfied. You are unlike anything on earth – glory, honor, and praise be to You for marvelous things! You are constantly blowing me away. Your grace and love for me has been evident daily in the most amazing ways. You are so alive in me I feel as if my heart will burst! You are so good to me – Your faithfulness and love never fail even when everything else does. You never leave me. You are always there. I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Search me, O God, and change my heart to be in tune with Yours – I want nothing else. You bless me in incredible ways that I don’t deserve. I am Your beloved. You are teaching me and molding me. Continue Lord for I long to be a woman after Your heart, not of this world. Set me apart, for I am YOURS. I love You.”

amazing. just what i asked for.
He is faithful. and full of grace.

search me.

search me
know me
& show me
what i have done, what needs to change, what i can learn
and take me there, i’ll follow

cause Your mercies are new every morning
Your thoughts for me outnumber the sands
Your hands catch my tears when i’m crying
You guide me and hold me in Your hands

where can i go that You’re not with me?
where can i hide that You can’t see?
it’s Your love for me that i can’t fathom
it’s Your love, Your love for even me

and my heart burns for You
and my heart burns for You
and my heart burns for You
and my heart burns for You

drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

Oh sweet Lord Jesus – You say to come and bring my burdens to You and You will carry them because You care for me. So here I am. All of me – my blemishes, my mess-ups, and all. I can’t even begin to express my need for You. You are life. Without You, there is no life to me. You are everything. You are beautiful. Lord, I have an unquenchable thirst for You and to know more about You. Learning more about You in every circumstance is one of my greatest goals in life. You are mysterious and complex, and You always leave me wanting more of You. Lord, I am so weary right now. I’m weary emotionally. I am coming emotionally undone. I am tired of feeling th way I feel – mundane, average. And Lord, I am growing weary of waiting. I know Your will is perfect and good. I trust You, I do. I know that You are sovereign and all-knowing, which allows me to trust You with my whole heart. I am tired of worrying, because it’s not up to me, but it’s up to You. You are my all-in-all. I just need you to be the Great Romance of my heart right now. I need to feel Your grace and trust reigning in my life. I want to be completely dependent on You for everything. You are so wonderful to me and I don’t deserve it. Your grace and mercy are proven everyday to be over and way beyond what I could ever come close to deserving. Still, You gave it all just for me. I need You. I can’t do anything apart from You. My heart beats for You and You alone. May You always be my only one, not my number one. May You receive all the glory, honor, and praise. Anything good in me is You. You are so mighty and awesome. I am constantly in awe of all You do and have done and will do. Lord, Your plans for me are great. I pray that You give me strength to do them in the best way that I can. I pray that You will constantly be molding and changing and growing me into the woman You want me to be. I don’t want to settle for anything less than that. Give me strength not to settle, but to be humble and open to waiting to hear from You, even when I don’t understand. I love You more than anything.

no guilt in life, no fear in death.

“so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without
fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like
stars in the universe” [[philippians 2:15]]

can’t sleep. this verse popped into my head and heart. it’s so challenging to us as children of God. we are called to be blameless [free from or not deserving blame or guilt] and pure [free from anything different; free from foreign or inappropriate elements; unmodified; without discordant quality; clean, spotless, unsoiled; untainted with evil] in this crooked [deformed; askew; not straightforward, dishonest] and depraved [corrupt, wicked, perverted, sinful] generation. and we are to shine [to give forth or glow light; to appear brightly; to reflect emitted light] like the stars in the nightly heavens. how awesome is that.

and the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

Lord Jesus – How I fail miserably everyday. I am so glad that You always hear me, and You are always faithful to me. Lord, I need You so much today. These last weeks have been so wearisome to me & have made me realize my need for You greater than ever before. You are my life’s dependency, my soul’s sufficiency. You are everything. You are Creator, Perfecter, Author, Provider, All-knowing, Father, Faithful One. You are my Saviour now and always under any circumstance. You are steady and unchanging, the same yesterday, today, and forever – always. You are Master, Care-giver, Pasture-maker, Ever-present, Abba, Mighty, Awesome God. You are gentle, kind, and patient, yet strong, just, and powerful. You are so amazing, God! I am overwhelmed at Your love for me. And I am so incredibly unworthy. Lord, give me a Christ-like attitude and mindset in all things, because I desire You above all else. Give me desires. Give me energy, strength, and patience. Give me purpose. Be my purpose. Lord, I have faith in everything You do. I have faith in Your timing. I am so overwhelmed sometimes by how seemingly boring and mundane my routine of a life is and how I feel useless and purposeless. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with my complete inadequacy, all I can do is rely on You. There is nothing You couldn’t do through me. Anything good in me is Christ, is You, Father. So, Abba, I surrender all to You. Everyday is a funeral to self and I am alive in You; a new creation majorly transformed by the love Jesus Christ showed to me on the cross. How beautiful You are, Christ my Saviour! May You forever be the Keeper of my heart, because I am prone to wander. May I always be a reflection of You to others. Thank You for everything. That seems so insufficient, but it’s all I have for You. I love You. Amen.